Sick boy

So Charlie was exiled from his Baby Jail for a stomach bug which equally exiled his parents to the homestead.  It's always a mixed blessing when this happens:  One the one hand, it's great to get an excuse to spend some quality time with one of the kids alone - especially at an age when they actually want to spend time with you.  On the other hand, we do have jobs and taking time away from them has its own issues.  But we couldn't stay at home the whole time, so we broke out and, just for a change, hit the aquarium for some educational frolicking.  

Framboise Fingers

So this is my daughter.  The one with a full plate of Napa salad loaded with raw broccoli and bok choi.  And decorating those little hands are her favourite fruit - raspberries.  She has an incredible range of appetites - we're very lucky.

how to be happy - a long post for my kids

Kids,
I want the best for you guys.  I want you to get the most out of this life and to be as happy as you can possible be.   I'm not the wisest man in the world but i've picked up a few things that have helped me in this life and here's my top ten ways to be happy:
1. Be grateful
Appreciate everything you have.  Look around you at the people who love you and love them back.  Remember love is a verb - love people as actively and deeply as you can.  Look at what you have and appreciate it.   Enjoy yourself.  Be grateful for a great meal and take the time to taste each flavour.  Dance when you hear a great song.  Sing in the shower (or anywhere else).  Hug your friends and let them know how much you love them.  Appreciate the roof over your head, the feeling of warm blankets on a small night, having a job (even if you don't like it right now), the little things people do for you like invite you over to play or a card they wrote you on your birthday.   Soak all of the good parts of life into your soul and let the bad parts slide off your back.

2. Don't compare yourself to others
In our Western culture, this is one of the main ways people let themselves be unhappy.  People look around and only notice the people who have more than they do or who have nicer things or who have accomplished more.  The race is only with yourself.  Comparing yourself with others and feeling bad because you don't have what they have will only make you unhappy.   Instead, look at others you admire and try and figure out how you can learn from them.  Look at people who are happy rather than people who are rich and figure out what they are doing to achieve that.  Remember, your success in life (and the success of others) are half chance and usually a lot of hard work.   Set difficult goals for yourself and work really hard to achieve them.  Compare yourself to what you want to be and celebrate royally when you get there.  Then set new goals.  Be wide open to opportunities - especially ones that terrify you - and leap into them with wild abandon and work as hard as you can to make the most of them.  Opportunities will show up in odd places - new friendships, new love interests, new careers, new talents, new adventures - just go for it.  Even if it doesn't work out, you will never have to ask yourself "what would have happened if i had just..." Other people's success is only important to you if it inspires you to do more, be more, achieve more for yourself.  Do it for yourself.  Don't ever do anything just so other people will think you are great or to show off how well you have done.  Humility  - knowing that half your success is chance and having opportunities others didn't have - will make you the kind of person that will inspire others in this world to be better and in doing so you will, in a small but vital way, make the world a better place.  The moment I stopped doing things just to get praise or impress others was when I truly started to feel truly happy and centred.  It's an amazing feeling and I hope you get it sooner than I did.

3. Do unto others
The Golden Rule is key:  Treat others the way you would like to be treated.  Let this guide you in everything you do - especially when people or life seems to be treating you badly.  Karma is an amazing thing.  I've had amazing luck in my life and I'm pretty sure that part of it is that I tried to treat others the way I wanted to be treated and in some form, that kindness returned to me in ways and amounts I never imagined.   When people are being mean, it's really, really easy to be mean back.  It's hard to be kind in the face of meanness but you will find that life gets a lot better if you do.  Help people without expecting something in return.  You will get that kindness back in forms and ways and from people you never expected.  Integrity is how you behave when you know nobody is watching and you know you won't get caught.  Let that guide you, let it be your compass and you'll reach happiness.

4. Nurture your friendships
I would be nowhere without the friendships I've made in this world.  You'll find friends everywhere if you look - and some of your best ones will hopefully be in your family.  Be open to friendships everywhere - in school, at work, random encounters, old people and young people, and people from different places and cultures.  Once you find a friend, work hard at keeping that friendship alive.  Friends are people who love you, who play nicely with you, who will listen to you and talk with you and people with whom you can be yourself without having to pretend anything or hide your true self.  This doesn't mean that your friends will be perfect - they will drive you crazy with certain habits or quirks and you will do the same to them - but try hard to accept that people are not perfect and they will hopefully do the same for you.  People have bad days and so will you.  But overall, you should be able to trust your friends and love them and know that bad days come and go and little squabbles come and go but underneath it all is a foundation upon which you can built one of the most interesting parts of life.  In school and when you are a young adult, it will be much easier to make friends because you are surrounded by people your age and who are somewhat similar to you and much of your life is spent hanging out with these people.  As you get older, jobs, marriage, bills, kids and everything will crowd out your "hanging out" time and it will get a little harder to make those friends.  So treasure the ones you have.  Call and write them regularly.  Just check in on how they are doing to keep that everydayness alive with them.  This will get harder as the responsibilities of life crowd your life, but make time for it - it will fill your life with people to lean on, people to talk to, interesting stories to hear, different perspectives on the world, knowledge and laughter - and you will give those back to others. Ultimately, most of the happiness I've had in my life has come from the friendships I've made - both inside and outside of my family - and you guys are some of my favourite friends.  If I had one day left to spend on this earth, it would be sitting outside in the sun with my friends, eating good food, playing guitar and dancing and singing and laughing as hard as I can with those wonderful friends I've made.

5. Stay interesting and stay interested
People can become stale if they let themselves.  It's easy after a while.  You can get stuck in a routine in life where you are just treading water.  Keep learning!  Stay interested in something - it can be almost anything.  Challenge yourself and do things that you are interested in - especially the things that scare you.  Risk failing (and you may fail but that is absolutely fine) and pick yourself up and try again and work really, really hard to achieve your goals - you'll be so proud of yourself if you do and you will inspire others to do the same.  The most interesting and amazing things I've done in my life were the most terrifying.  I've had an amazing and relentlessly interesting life so far because I aimed for things that were more than I ever thought I could accomplish:  I loved stand up comedy and never in a million years thought I could do it until I just risked it and did it.  I'm not the best in the world but I'm not bad at all and I've stood on a stage in front of thousands of people and made them laugh and I would have never, ever had that awesome, amazing experience if I hadn't got up one day and just risked the humiliation and fear of failure.  I became a web designer at the birth of the web age because i called up a web company and said "I want to work for you and I'll do anything you want if you teach me".  They paid me almost nothing but it led to me running my own company, doing a really interesting job, and teaching at the college - I wouldn't have done any of these things if I hadn't made that call (and persevered when others turned me down).  I've got an amazing job now which came to me through a lot of luck and when I started I was terrified.  I didn't know anything about finance.  So I figured out how to learn it through the CFA which as you know was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  But now I understand it really well and I get to have a job which is interesting and challenging and gives me the freedom to come to read to your class and go to your concerts.  When I first saw your Mum, I turned to your Uncle Will and said "I'm going after her" and I did.  And that was terrifying but we've had so many good times together and I've never laughed as hard as I do with her.  And we were really scared of being parents but risking our lives on having you guys was one of the best gambles we've made.  None of this means that it isn't hard.  All of it is hard work and there are good times and bad times and times that you hurt inside and cry.  But if you risk yourself, the good times will be gigantic and powerful.   And, very importantly, staying interesting to yourself will make you more interesting to other people.  You can't expect people to find you interesting if you are not interest in yourself.  If you are bored, you're boring.

The other side of this coin is to stay interested.  One of the biggest mistakes you can make in this life is to forget how much joy you can give and get by staying interested in other people.  It's hard for many people.  Be interested.  Everyone is interesting in some way and everyone has something they can teach you that will make your life richer.  LISTEN TO PEOPLE.  Don't just hear.  Listen to them.  Learn how to do it.  It's not as easy as it looks and I'm still learning how.  Actively listen to people and make sure they feel it.  Stop yourself from interrupting someone with yes-that's-just-like-me stories.  People need that connection, people need to be listened to, and this is all part of treating people the way you would like to be treated.

6. Laugh
This may not be important to everyone but it sure as heck is important to me and your Mama.  Life is crazy, ridiculous, heartbreaking, overwhelming,  and most of the time makes no sense whatsoever.  If you can find the humour in that absurdity, your life will be dotted with bright colours even in the darkest moments.  And, when you laugh, do it like all good things with reckless abandon - laugh in paragraphs!  It is one of the best feelings in life.  Most of my best memories are of laughing with people - laughing so hard, i could barely breathe, falling off my chair kind of laughter.  Those moments are when I feel most alive.

7. Don't sweat the small stuff
This was the title of a book I never read but I think the title teaches you all you need to know about this one:  We let our everyday lives overtake us sometimes and let ourselves believe that the tiny battles of the day (trying not to be late for something, spilling chocolate milkshake on a favourite shirt, worrying about the way someone said something or a look we thought was mean) get way out of perspective.  We let ourselves believe they are REALLY important.  But most things that upset us or stress us are really just tiny, silly things.  Forget them.  Put them in perspective.  Nothing's the end of the world.  most of all, fight self-pity - it is the root of deep unhappiness.  Feeling sorry for yourself will never solve anything - it usually makes things a lot worse and prolongs the sadness.

8. Eat well, sleep well, move well
It took me a while to realise that many times when I'm feeling really, really grumpy and I'm ready to get into a fight at the smallest opportunity, what is really happening is more just a basic physical problem.   I get terribly grumpy if i haven't eaten in a while or if i didn't get enough sleep.  When you are feeling really grumpy and spoiling for a fight, try and catch yourself and think about whether it's really just your body that's mad at you because you aren't treating it well - it needs two sources of fuel: food and sleep - make sure it gets it.  Also, your body is a miracle machine and you only get one.  Keep it tuned up.  I don't particularly like exercising but I do it.  And I do it because i've seen what happens when i do.  When I'm in shape, the small stuff doesn't bother me as much and I'm much more ready to be happy.

9. Be present
Today is a pulsing, glowing spark on the timeline of life.  Be awake to it.  Be mindful of the past and future but only to the point where they make today worthwhile.  Get the most out of what you are doing at any given point whether it's working, loving, cooking, dancing, cleaning, listening, or just watching a good film (don't waste your time with bad ones).   Being scared of the future or sad about the past will only paralyze you in the present.  Don't get too sentimental about the past.  Don't worry too much about the future.  The only thing you have any control over at all is the here and now.  Make the most of it - it's your best shot at being happy.

10. Forgive
This is probably the hardest.  People will inevitably do things that disappoint you and hurt you (and you will probably do these things to others at some point whether you mean to or not).  Carrying around that anger and disappointment will only make YOU unhappy and won't change them at all.  Forgiving them will relieve you AND them of the burden of that past problem and will give you room in your heart to carry the good things that happened.  But forgiving someone is a lot harder than it looks.  You can really and truly want to forgive someone but emotionally you'll still feel the pain.  It takes a lot of work sometimes.  But when you do finally let go of that pain, it will make your soul lighter and you'll be so happy you did.  And so will they.  Plus, this is part of Do Unto Others.  If you want others to forgive you, be the kind of person who forgives.

love from your Papa

hot chocolate

 

 

 

Always with a ball!

 

 

Daddy and Schuyler swinging on the vines.

 

Now this was fun.  When you give yourself the excuse to rejoin your childhood, it always pays off.  Swinging on these vines with Schuyler, I was transported back to my own childhood - just that same feeling, that feel of the uneven knot of vines (really roots, right?) on your palms, and the slight danger of falling.  I remember hours spent doing exactly this both here and at Coral Beach as Mum played tennis.  Uncle Will and I would do this forever until we were called in.  But a chilly February day playing in the park would not be complete without some warm hot cocoa from a thermos, shared among friends and family (thanks, Mum).

saturday stroll

Role reversal

Mud drawings

 

The cactus house

  

To avoid the hobgoblin of little minds, we headed to the botanical gardens for some encounters with nature.  I never really appreciated these gardens until now.  I always loved playing there and have lots of my own childhood memories flying kites there, running through the "forest" from other kids at the Ag Show, playing on the old tennis court area (where I believe I lost a watch as a child), but I never appreciated the actual gardening aspect (or maybe it has just vastly improved over the years).  It is beautifully done and a magical playground to boot.

Hope can rise

In keeping with Schuyler's existential line of questioning, she asked "What happens before you are born?  Where were we before we were born?"
Good question.  I told her it's kind of a mystery.

So then later I was teaching her what "rise" meant.  I told her when balloons go up in the air they are rising.   I told her that other things can rise too like your hopes can rise when you get excited about something.  So she says "And your love can rise too, right?"
Yup.  It can.  And it just did for Daddy.

the dips

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently, these kids have the perfect blend of their Bermudian and Vermonter heritage when it comes to water.  They have the Bermudian proclivity toward swimming and the Vermont immunity to the cold.  So they insisted on going swimming in mid February and at night!  Well, the adults certainly weren't going in, but that doesn't mean we couldn't dip them repeatedly in the freezing waters like little strawberries in chocolate.  And, man, did they love it.

silly sunday

 

Making cookies with Mama.

Schuyler's in the dog house

 

This is how to spend a Sunday... making cookies and goofing around on the porch.  I hope these are the memories that stick for all of us.  This is where life is found and made.

lunch at masterworks

Learning to share snacks with Lailani

More duck chasing

Helping Lailani 

Freshly mowed grass - what could be better?

Chasing ducks.

Another sunny winter day in the Botanical Gardens.  Lunch at the Masterworks cafe and some energy release on the grounds.

sunday morning waffles

 

Kids, just for reference when you are older - these are real waffles we cooked ourselves!  Not any frozen thing.  And you loved them.

UN day @ Somersfield

 

So Somersfield has this thing called UN Day where the parents are invited to threaten their job security by requesting three hours off in the middle of the day to witness the artwork and other learning tools the kids have used to educate themselves about the various countries and cultures.  It was actually pretty cool.  Beyond the always awkward encounters with other parent-kid pairings and eating at a bench built for people under 5, it was really nice to spend some time with this girl and see what she is up to.  Her class's chosen people were the Hammar people of Ethiopia which is also special because one of her teachers is from Ethiopia so they're getting the inside scoop.